It’s been almost seven months since we moved out of our old office, and so it’s been almost seven months that my ears have been deprived of Kevin and Kon’s daily nuggets of wisdom. I still work with Kevin, and I see Kon often, but the two of them together on a daily basis were the fucked up sunshine of my life.

And so, in honor of these modern day Lao-Tses, I present their most enlightened work.

Enjoy.

“I came up with a new favorite saying: getting butt-fucked in the mouth” -Kon

“Is this the soundtrack to Spider Man, Open The Dark?” -Kon, on Kevin’s music choices.

On Ellen Page: -Kon: “I would give her my cock” -Kevin: “I would fuck her clavicle”

“The sandwiches suck, but the peanut butter makes for a good rectal softener” -Kevin, on life in prison.

“I will never be that guy, but check it out: my pipe came” -Kon on his new gentleman’s pipe.

“I’ve had girls offer to blow me because of my awesome tricep” -Kevin, excited about his new workout routine.

“The salad had lots of beets in it, and then when I went to the bathroom, I thought I had cancer” -Kevin’s review of The Meatball Shop

“It’s so hot, opening the door is like taking panties off of Jabba the Hut” -Kevin

“Have you guys ever considered the similarities between a sun-dried tomato and an irritated sphincter?” -Kevin

“Every time I breathe I know what it’s like to be a gynecologist for Roseanne” -Kevin

“Are you sure I didn’t pay you in blow jobs?” -Kevin

“I didn’t know any better, I just put it in my mouth and thought: I guess this is fancy?”
-Kevin

“Universal truth: no one wants to see Santa’s nut sack” -Kon’s insight on SantaCon

“Who diarrhea-ed into your iTunes?” -Kon, on Kevin’s music choices.

“You listening to Chris Kattan’s iPod again?” -Kon, on Kevin’s music choices.

That place Fornino, you know, the art and science of jacking off onto pizza dough” -Kon

“Mike said he had a horrible morning, but morning said it had a horrible Mike” -Kon, when Mike showed up late and hungover.